My Journey - August 2006 Part 1


will you really be able to make it? will you really be able to handle it? i hung up very mad at him, i always turn to him he knows me all so well and always says the right thing. yet this time he was worried. should i be worried too? i could not sleep that night, i will not leave tomorrow, after all the war will be over soon. sunday morning, my mom fried some fresh eggs. these eggs were from the countryside my dad had managed to ask this guy, who lives in the village and raises freely running chicken, to collect fresh eggs for me but the guy had insisted that in antoura the road is not safe and he could not get the eggs. i still don't know how my dad managed to talk the guy into bringing these delicious eggs that i enjoyed that sunday august 6th morning at 8.30. i was waiting for cyprus airline office in damascus to open at 9, i still wasn't sure whether i was going to leave. all my reservations were in place. that was the first time i come to lebanon via czech airlines and unfortunately there was no flight from syria only from larnaca. i would then have to go to damascus, fly to larnaca, prague and then to my final destination, montreal. why did i not come with the canadian boats? more than one reason, two. i was not allowed to go on the canadian boats because i was not canadian, yet i've been working in canada for five years and paying taxes to send boats on which i was not allowed to go aboard. my other reason is safety and security, i mean my mental safety and security with my family and loved ones, it's a strong defying feeling of hanging in there as if me being there will keep my family safe from harm as if i had that supernatural power to spread a glowing bright yellow aura unbreakable veil on them to shield them and scare away bombs and airplane raids that were not scared off by the cries of the kids and the prayers of the mothers and definitely not be the silence of the "lambs". the situation was getting worse by the day as if the land that drank the blood of the innocent found an enjoyable source of life and thirsted for more. my departure was scheduled for the 8th of august from larnaca, i could either leave that sunday morning or stay with my family in my country until an indefinite time. this is my final year i will graduate soon after 5 years of hard work and struggle but never had the mental struggle been more intense than at that moment when i had to make a decision. my cousins and friends have been calling me begging me to come back to canada to finish my studies to escape before it was too late before all the roads to syria are completely blocked. i would never have left before i had initially scheduled to leave when i came to lebanon on the 10th of july, i would not have left with the canadian boats earlier i would not have tried to escape not from my home. as i called the taxi i felt i was betraying my country but i promised in my heart i will be back. i will be back to rebuild, we have been there before, this war is just a bad labour for the birth of a beautiful baby. the cab picked me up at 11 am next to abc. an old yellow dodge the syrian cabs that i have always spotted on the streets while driving in lebanon. i have also probably nearly had an accident with one yeah cab drivers all over the world are the same. i had one bag to fit in the airplane cabin because i did not want to go through the hassle of carrying a large bag, what if it gets lost? i bought this bag while i was in lebanon. if you ask me how far do i live from the church next door i would say 500m simply because i've heard my family say that. i am not talented in estimating distances or sizes so i did not know how big of a bag i needed to fit my clothes. i went to the bag store and checked the bags then came home and showed my aunt my clothes and she agreed that they would fit if i really squeezed them in so i went back to the store and bought the bag. the cab driver placed my bag in the trunk which at that moment got overfed and remained open to provide the poor bags with a view of the road and probably some bad smells due to indigestion. i peeked into the car and it was full. the cabbie then asked me to sit infront, but there was another person there. apparently in these cabs two people sit in front, these cars never heard of seat belts maybe they hate strains maybe they just want to be free and want us to feel free in them. but i did not want to feel free to go flying from the window that, by the way, showed a long crack but it was holding there and i hoped it would continue to do so until i got to damascus. but if i were afraid to go flying out the window, i immediately changed my mind as the sweat on my arm and my friend's arm formed a tight bond and a safe anchor. before i left home i hugged my dad goodbye but could not swallow my tears and i promise i promise i really tried. just the way he looked when you think parents are supposed to protect their kids and they bring them to the world and promise them they would always care for them always protect them keep them safe but what if they can't hold that promise? i did not want my dad to feel he could not keep his promise and for that reason i cried. i did not look at him as he asked me not to cry i said goodbye and got in the car. my uncle, my brother and my mom drove me to the cab meetup place. my mom carried some french fries and was feeding me in the car i did not have a kleenex to wipe my tears and flowing nose as if i needed that then, but i used a piece of the tissue my mom had put below the french fries to soak the oil. i was choking as i bid my mom goodbye. i kissed my brother and my uncle goodbye. i had six companions for the road very nice. a single woman around late thirties sitting next to me she asked me if i liked air conditioning i knew that if i said yes she was going to make me switch seats with her and the cool air will come harrassing my face but i really do not like air conditioning and you can ask my cousins and my aunt in montreal about that, they stayed in my appartment while i was in lebanon and they simply could not understand how i manage to survive in such an overheated environment. i also use heavy blankets and close the door to my room in lebanon still no airconditioning so i was not thinking of tricking this lady sitting next to me and who could be the last person i ever see. but despite that i was proud of getting myself out of this situation because you know how sometimes you answer "yes" when you actually mean "no" and vice versa simply because you are too lazy to analyze the question and what meaning is behind the question? all the people in the car were related. the girl's mother was sitting in the back with her son's wife and their two young kids. the son was working in an arab country and they were going there to be with him. but they were not going straight to the airport, they were going to stay in damascus and leave the following day. my cab driver was an energetic young man with a long moustache and threw a few actually funny jokes every now and then. he had two cell phones one for lebanon the other for syria, my mom took both numbers to call me on my way. he was driving roller coaster fast probably too ambitious for such a car pushing it to its limits but the car responded well and outdid itself maybe she too was on an adrenaline rush. many detours because of the destruction, we went past the maameltein bridge that had previously stood high above the casino and had now collapsed temporarily, it will rise again soon. then the madfoun bridge in pieces mourning the death of people travelling people who had said the same goodbyes to their loved ones the same goodbyes i had said but not knowing these were the final goodbyes, that they were not going to be able to say words they couldn't say not knowing that their loved ones already understood what was unsaid. my mom called twice while i was still in lebanon to make sure we were still safe. that road could get bombed at any minute they had already bombed the other one connecting lebanon to syria and there was fear that at any minute this road would get bombed. but our super cab driver increased his speed to decrease our time in lebanon and increase our possiblity of surviving bombing but also increase our possibility of being hit by a truck. as he turned a corner speeding like there is no tomorrow we could not help but force a comment out to slow down cause we did not want to escape the bombs and die hit by a truck carrying food and supplies as we encountered many of those on our way. we finally got to the lebanese border, the cabbie took our passports i still had the old red one but everyone else had the new blue one but i was happy with my red one it had a lot of visas some of them i did not use since i did not end up going on the trips. the last visa was for czech republic i was going to leave lebanon earlier to spend 4 days in prague, i already had a hotel reservation and my friend the one i mentioned at the beginning was going there with me. our hotel was supposed to have a nice swimming pool on the roof and a good gym where i was going to start working out i had lost a lot of weight and was going to keep it that way. prague is supposed to be one of the nicest cities to see but i will have to wait a little longer there were more important lessons to learn, the city will always be there, these lessons can only be offered once. the cab driver got our passports stamped quickly but we did not expect him to be so fast, our cabbie boasted that he had connections we did not care if it were true or not. so as he took our passports, we stepped out of the car into the shade it was burning hot. he came out holding our passports and as his dancing eyes spotted us, his lips parted and a scream exploded with enough pressure to drive us back in the car shamefully. on my passport was my scarlet letter. i had left lebanon.